Lovey Dovey Tuesday: The MOST annoying FAQ

This round my LDT segment will not be too lovey dovey. In fact, it is more like a rant. But since it pertains to relationship, i'm labeling it under the LDT.

As a brat reaching that ripe age nearing the dreaded number three-and-oh I could not escape from that SUPER ANNOYING Frequently Asked Questions:

When are you getting married? 

Bila nak kawen?

So, when is your turn?

Eh, ko bila lagi?

Bila nak merasa Nasi Minyak ko ni? 

I mean seriously, people?
Don't you think I want to know that too?
Don't you think I would have invited you or mention about it if it's anytime soon?

I even listed it in the list of questions I'm gonna stop trying to answer - HERE. 

Aside from close family, how many actually cared anyway? It's not like me getting married or the lack of it thereof will directly affect you. Well, unless I'm marrying or rejecting you or anyone close to you. But even then.... *sigh.

Really, if you are looking for a topic opener or small talk, be creative, think of something else or just be boring and ask about the weather, the time or just anything but that.

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If you are asking to see if I'm single coz you wanna introduce me to someone, YES, I AM SINGLE. If I'm not I'll make it loud and clear that you will not be able to ignore it even if you want to.

And NO, I am not too picky or choosy or whatever. In order for a person to be choosy or picky, first thing they need is CHOICES to actually CHOOSE or PICK from, If there are no choices, how do a person become picky or choosy? I mean seriously, it's not like I receive declaration of love every other day (or in my case ever) and decides to brush it off and then stay single. Be reasonable in your accusations, will you?

And PLEASE do not ask me if you want to introduce me to someone. It is just WAAAY TOO embarrassing. Instead, just go ahead and introduce us. Make it informal, make it a leisure event. I really don't want to know that you are introducing me to someone with THAT purpose. If it happens, it happens. If not, let it go.

Don't worry peeps, if I am getting married, I'll be sure to let you know. you won't miss it. I really am getting tired of people asking me this FAQ. I am already very much aware of how old I am and how frequent I am getting invitations to my friend's wedding. You really don't need to add salt onto the wound.

Furthermore, I am not too worried. I'll marry when the time comes. Right now, I really would like to build up my own path. I don't want to get married just for the sake of getting married. I don't find the need to be desperate about it. I am most aware of my flaws and my awesomeness. It takes a certain kind of guy to handle this much of me, and I'm planning to wait until I find him. I strongly believe, there's a time and place for everything. And you be patient too. I'll get there when I do.

I know I'm not the only one who gets annoyed and irritated by this FAQ. So if you are one of those people who tend to ask it. Stop doing it. We really can do without it.

Just a little rant from the brat,

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Lovey Dovey Tuesday: Second Chance

Question: do you believe in second chances?
Answer: yes. Definitely. Humans make mistakes. Most of it are unconscious  People change, circumstance change, time change. What's important is to realize that you made the mistake.

Question: Then why don't you give him chance?
Answer: I did. He's just three years too late to take it. And three million tears too slow to take it back.  I'm no longer in that space where I was waiting for him. I've moved on. I might look back to reminisce that space. But, I'll never go back there. I know what it feels like being there. And I don't want to feel it again. I'm over it.

Question: Then why bother to write this post at all?
Answer: Because I'm tired of repeating myself. I'm just over it. All I feel now is politeness from a long and old friendship. This is safe. This is fine. This is comfortable. Isn't it enough that we can still stay friends? That we can still bump shoulders and laugh about it?

Question: Well, maybe now he has changed. Don't you think he deserves another chance?
Answer: I have no doubt he has. But the thing is, I did too. I'm no longer that teen girl who is filled with romantic dreams and happy ever after. Somewhere along the way, I've found much bigger things I want in life. So many years had passed and gone. Do I believe in a second chance? Yes, "a" second chance. not chances. When you make the same mistake twice, it's no longer a mistake. It's a choice. He made his choice. And I made mine.

Question: Isn't it unfair? You gave him the chance when he was not yet ready for it.
Answer: I suppose, opportunities present itself to you only when you are ready? I suppose trains/bus/airplane will wait for you when you are ready to board? I suppose time will wait for you when you are ready?? No, it never did, never is and never will. Time goes on and goes by without waiting for anyone. Once it passes, you can't do anything to turn it back. I did not exactly decide to leave that space. I just did. But once I did, I decided not to go back. And even if I try, I won't be able to stay long. Because being out of that space feels much better.

Question: If you are so sure, why don't you just give the chance? You won't lose anything. 
Answer: That's where you are wrong. I will lose something. I'll lose time. And I would probably hurt again at the exact same spot it did before. You see, I know him. And more importantly, I know myself. Despite how much we change, I know him. I know for sure he did not know where he was wrong, and more frustrating is he did not feel that he was in the wrong at all. That is fine. I mean, sometimes you just can't see it from other people's perspective. But other people will apologize anyway. For the sake of the friendship we have. For the sake of burying the hatchet. But not him. Never him.That part of him didn't change at all. And I know from there giving him another chance meaning giving him another chance to hurt me. I know myself. despite how much I feel like I don't care, but eventually I will care. And then, I'll get hurt again. This is one choice I prefer not to make.

Question: In short you are just scared?
Answer: Terrified. 

Second chances.... I believe in second chances. Just not sure if everyone deserves it....

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Lovey Dovey Tuesday: A Person To Keep

As you get to know someone, you will eventually learn a lot of their traits that you dislike, hate or annoys you. That's normal. But have you ever felt that even though you definitely hate those traits in that person, you never seem to be able to hate them or keep a distance from them? That, I believe is called accepting a person as they are. Come bad or wrong.

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Lets just say, you ever find this person, NEVER let them go. Despite all the things they hate about you, if a person still stay with you even though you do not bring them any apparent benefit then keep in mind that this person is someone worth for you to keep. Treat them well as they are the person who will always accept you as you are. They might be a friend, a lover, a family member. No matter who they are, always remember to appreciate them. Because they are the one who will always be there for you through thick and thin.

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But also be reminded, if you don't appreciate them, or keep mistreating them and take them for granted, eventually they will leave. And once they leave, you'll lose them forever because chances are, they'll never come back. 


Even if they are still somewhere you can reach, and somewhere you can see, you will feel it yourself, that they are just not there any more. The place where they usually stand will be a big void that feels so empty. The smile that is always warmly beaming at you will turn to a smile that is so polite, that it felt cold. 


Because we hurt the people we love the most and be hurt by the people we love the most. They had loved and accepted you the most as you are, so when they leave, it meant they had been hurt beyond any recovery. And because of that, no matter what you do after that, your relationship with that person will never return to the way it was. And so, you had lost them forever. 

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I have always tried to remember this, and now, I hope I would be able to remind some of you guys who read this, ALWAYS appreciate those you have around you. Because once you lose them, the word "if only I" would only be empty words.

How to do it? Simple. Just think, if they die tomorrow (touch wood, Nauzubillah) what would be the things you wish you had told them, and what are the things that you would wish to do for them or with them. Then, SAY IT, DO IT. Because you won't get another chance. If you wait for tomorrow, and tomorrow never come, you will regret it. I promise you, you will. I know, I had been there.

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Let's take a moment and appreciate those people who are worth for us to keep.

For my friends, family and all those people who had always stand by me through the best days and the worst days of my life, I thank you very much for being there. For those who had received the very worst from me and yet still loved me and accepted me for who I am, I'm sorry for those times I might have hurt you. And know that, from the bottom of my heart, I love you. And will always do. Thank You, for being you. :)

A small reminder to everyone from the Brat,

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Lovey Dovey Tuesday Tips: How to Make Unwanted Girls Stop Wanting You

Girls, Women, the female gender species are VERY persistent when it comes to love. Even when they say "I don't care anymore", their actions speaks the opposite. Even when they have decided to forget, all they really do is remember and reminisce. Basically, when it comes to the matters of heart, we're really stubborn.

girls are just too stubborn. source

Last time, I wrote about "How to Not Make Unwanted Girls Fall For You" but what if she has already fallen big time for you? What if she keeps on pestering you and hoping for you even when you have already clearly say "NO" to her? So this time, I'm gonna give you some tips on how to make them stop hoping for you. So here's "How to Make Unwanted Girls Stop Wanting You".

NOTE: These tips are for those who have difficulty being absolutely mean to someone. It will hurt her, but at least it won't scar for life.


#1 - Ignore her
Try to ignore her calls as much as you can. Don't reply to her messages. If you see her somewhere, don't go and say Hi to her. If she comes and say hi to you, find a reason to leave. Always create an excuse to excuse yourself. Even better, make it obvious. That way she might get the hint that she is un-welcomed.

#2 - Get a girl to answer your phone
If you just don't have anymore heart to ignore her calls, ask a girl to answer your phone for you. Tell her it's your friend. Or even better, your girlfriend (if you have the guts/heart to do so). During conversation, you can even ask the girl-friend to interrupt you - like asking you to be quick, etc. Cut the conversation short.

#3 - Talk about other girls with her.
If you can't avoid talking to her, tell her stories about that girl you have had your eyes on. Or some girl that you adore so much, or find special about. Make sure to sound sincere and even better excited when telling her the stories. Do it each time you talk with her. If you are chatting face to-face with her, point out some hot chick that passes by and tell her u find that chick hot/beautiful.

#4 - Bring a friend
When you have to meet her for whatever reason, always bring a friend along. If it's a guy, it's fine, if it's a girl, even better. Don't ask for permission, just bring. Family members doesn't count. It must be a friend. For more effect, bring a friend she doesn't know. If you bring a family member (siblings, cousin, etc) She might mistook it as a recognition instead - you bringing your closest family member to introduce to her.

#5 - Pay more attention to other girls
In a crowd (like reunion, gathering etc) she would probably try to single you out by standing/sitting close to you and try to engage conversations with you. If this happen, give your attention to some other girl *CAUTION make sure the other girl knows what you are doing or you might give her the wrong idea. If you didn't have time to warn other girl-friend, then move about and meet a lot of different girls, don't single them out. Or you can move about with a guy friend - it's safer.

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#6 - Make yourself scarce
Don't be available to her. Make it difficult for her to see you or hear from you. Don't go to places you know she frequent. If you want to help her to get over you, you have to allow her some time away. The best way to forget someone is to actually not see them for awhile. So, try not to make it difficult for her.

#7 - Lie (from wiki-how)
I personally don't like people who lie. But in this case, it might help you. Lie to her, even better if she knows it. Like - "sorry, I have to help my mom" but then you 'accidentally' met her while you're meeting up with friends (or other girls). It would make you look bad, but it will also become a turn off for her. *Caution this can only be effective if you don't have mutual good friends. It's gonna be bad if the word spreads around and it destroy your chances with other girls.

#8 - Be ruthlessly honest
"You're annoying me, stop." or "I don't like you" or "You're ugly". If you think that's the truth, just tell her that. Don't be reserved and try to take care of her. (I like this more than #7.) Instead of lying, be extremely honest that it might make her feel hurt. Point out the things you don't like.

be blunt. source

#9 - Don't give her mix signal
Means don't be kind at one time and cruel the other. Be consistent. Don't try to lessen the effect by being nice. If u give her mixed signal, she'll choose to ignore the negative ones and only focus on the positive. You'll never get her off you that way - ever.

#10 - Say "I don't like you" rather than "I'm Not Ready"
If she's pressuring for a relationship, don't try to dodge it by saying "I'm not ready". When you put it that way, what she will understand (or hope) is that when you are ready, you will choose her - which rarely is the case. Better to straight out say "I don't like you" or "I have no feelings for you".

Too much? But that's the reality~

#11 - Get a girlfriend
Get a steady real girlfriend for yourself. Not just the one that you casually dating. If you have to, introduce this girlfriend to her. As long as you're single, and as long as you're just "mingling" around, she'll assume you're "open for public" and thinks she still has a chance. So, get yourself a girlfriend!!

I know, some of my suggestions might sound a bit cruel and ruthless to you. But, trust me. It's better this way. By being kind to her you are actually being even more cruel towards her. If you are being kind to her because you didn't want to lose a friend, then you are not being a friend at all. You are just selfish. Why? because all u think is about yourself, how u don't want to lose a friend, or how u don't want to be seen as the bad/cruel guy. You're not thinking what's the best for her. By being kind, you are simply stringing her along. She won't see anyone else but you, she won't open her heart to others. She'll keep on comparing other guys with you - and you'll win every time. In other words, you don't want her, but you still keep a leash on her. She won't be able to move on - That's the truth.

It's better to be ruthless~ Source

How do I know this? First and foremost, as bratty as I am, I'm still a girl. Second, I was in that "unwanted girls" shoe. Sometimes, it felt like I just wanted to let myself be stringed along by that guy because I liked it. But, then I started to hate myself - and that is where I drew the line. I can't be by someone's side when I hate myself this much. I have to start liking myself back, and in order to do that, I had to cut the strings. I was lucky cause during that time, the guy behaved in a way that made it easy for me - (some of the things I mentioned above). It was hard, it was hurtful, it felt cruel and at first it felt lonely, but as I gradually drifted away from him, I felt I was able to like myself again, I was happier, and I realized other things I wanted in life - other things I might not be able to achieve if I were to end up with him. So I didn't hate him. In fact I was thankful and grateful towards him. He was a good friend, and still is. We are still friends now, and perhaps will forever be.

Oh yeah, if you guys are trying to woo a girl, those up there are an ABSOLUTE NO-NO. If you do that, you can say goodbye to your chances with her.

That's all the tips I have for now. Hope it helps u. Take care~
The Brat,









Check out my previous related post HERE

Lovey Dovey Tuesday Tips: How to not make unwanted girls fall for you

Kinda weird that I suddenly pop out such topic huh? Yeah I felt weird too - so it's just perfect for my weird self. lols.

Anyway, what prompted me to write this was a question from a good guy-friend of mine. You see, he's not exactly a ladies man (well I wouldn't classify him as one) but he often finds himself in a situation where girls just couldn't help but fall for him. It's not a bad thing, really. But when you don't want that to happen, it is just kinda irritating and a bit of a nuisance. 

He told me that some of his friend told him that the way he treated girls are just a little bit "too much". He's a little too attentive, a little too helpful and well, u get the picture. So he asked me, "How do I not be that?" He says how can he not help when a friend asks for it? What he says makes total sense to me at that time, and I couldn't give him any helpful answer then since I don't really know how exactly he treat girls. But now, after getting to know him a bit more, and some other guys I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to cross path with, I can finally tell him and the rest of you guys "How to NOT make unwanted girls fall for you"

1st - DO NOT stare

do not stare, do not gaze, do not look at her intently. Girls always know when there's a guy looking at her, even without her looking. So when you are staring at her, trust me, she'll know. And she will think that you might be AT LEAST a weee bit interested in her. 

2nd - DO NOT compliment her

don't tell her she looks pretty, don't say she's cute or something she did is cute, don't say she's sweet, or great or wonderful. Just don't praise her. When you do, it makes her feel special, and that gives an impression that you see her as special. 

3rd - DO NOT notice the little things

Little things such as, new haircut, new dress, new shoes, new hair pin or new perfume DON'T EVER mention them even when you notice it. For a girl, if you notice the little things, means you are looking, means you care..

4th - DO NOT look interested

Don't put on a face that looks like you are interested in what she was saying. When you seemed like you are listening to her, she'll keep on talking, and when you keep on listening, she'll start to think that you care. 

5th - DO NOT sacrifice your plans for her

If you already have a prearranged plan, don't cancel it for her. Tell her up front that you had already have something else planned and that you couldn't make it. 

6th - DO NOT share personal stories or secret

Try to keep conversations on a surface level. Don't share your secret or personal details with her. and especially, DO NOT confide your problems to her. The moment you do, she'll be either annoyed or hooked. If she's interested in you, she'll be hooked. If she's not, she'll be annoyed. Wanna try and take the risk? 

Don't share secrets!! Source

7th - DO NOT listen to her too much

Don't listen to her telling you how good or bad her day was, don't listen to her talking about her problems, don't listen to her talking about her boy problems. Seriously, she has girl-friends for that. If she search you instead, what do you think it is for? MAYBE she just wants a guy's insight, so, you can sometimes listen to her. But not always, NEVER always. 

8th - DO NOT be too much of a gentleman.

Don't hold the door for her, don't carry everything for her, don't pick food for her, don't pay for her food, don't pick her up unless u REALLY have to. Just don't do it. We're in 2011 and going forward now, girls can do all that by herself, and as a friend, no one would care if you don't do that for her. However, when you do, it will look special. 

9th - DO NOT remember too much

Don't remember every other special day, don't remember the little things she said or did, don't remember what she wore don't remember where you met and what you talked about and if you can't help it, then DON'T mention it to her. Keep it to yourself. 

10th - DO NOT show off too much.

If you got talent, like playing guitar or other musical instruments, or if you're good at soccer, or if you can do tripple somersoult or air flare, try not to show it off PERSONALLY just for her. Girls tend to fall for guys with skills. Seriously, it is kinda hard to resist. hehe

11th - DO NOT use fond nicknames

Dear, sweetie, sayang, darling, love, honey and the like are strict NO-NO. Eventhough you meant nothing or you think it meant nothing, just don't use it to address her. PLEASE. I dunno how many girls I've known who got tripped by these words. I almost wished it didn't exist (almost, okay!!)

12th - DO NOT go through too much trouble.

It's okay if you go through trouble for a friend once in a while, but make it LESS THAN OFTEN. If it's too much trouble, sometimes, you just got to learn to turn her down. Girls tend to see guys who go through trouble for her as a sure sign of attraction. So BE CAREFUL.

13th - DO NOT give or share with her anything

Key chain, momentos, birthday present, congrats present, thank you present. In special events, words will be enough. Do NOT share your food, your drinks, your things, if you don't really have too. If you are trying to save or on a diet, make sure she realize the fact.

14th - DO NOT joke about relationship

Don't even in jokes mention things like having her as gf, or saying she's special girl to u, or anything that sounds like you are willing to have a relationship with her. Seriously, if you are not at all interested, it is like you are signing off your death penalty yourselves. At some point or another, it would cross her mind that you are giving her a hint. So guys, don't joke about it, please.

15th - DO NOT care too much

Is she ok? Is she sick? Is she sad? Why does she look so down? Have she eaten? Does she need a drink? Try not to bother yourself with those questions. Try to be less attentive, try to not care too much about her well being. Believe me, it's easier.

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16th - DO NOT always picking fights.
What's wrong with fights? It's a classic telltale that a guy likes you when they purposely constantly pick fights with you. Now, I know this isn't true, that it is just another myth that romance novel and comics conjure up (I have friends who pick fights because they genuinely can't stand the girl). But not all girls know this. Or even if they already suspected it, their friends who don't know the situation might persuade them differently. So try to avoid picking fights. Indifference is a MUCH better choice.

Okay, my brain is about to burst from too much thinking. I have squeezed out 16 NOT TO DOs for you guys. These are my suggestions. You better not do this things unless you are consciously flirting with a girl. 

If you notice, the DO NOT can easily be DO if you want to try to woo a girl. And it can also indicate if you are attracted to a girl at some level. If you are doing these things for a particular girl eventhough you didn't plan on flirting with her, try to think again the reasons. You might have actually fallen for her and didn't realize it!!! 

BUT if you are treating most girls this way, PLEASE try to stop. It will be headache for your girl, AND you would leave a lot of broken hearts who curse you endlessly along the way. 

It might look harmless, but it is the start of a disaster.

Brat signing off, 

Check out my next related post on this HERE

Lovey Dovey Tuesday: Foreveralone Post

I always taught that the "foreveralone" term is overrated. 

I mean, no one is truly, really forveralone right?
You have your family, your friends, your collegue or perhaps your neighbor, so you are not really alone.

Technically, you're not.

For me, the most terrible foreveralone feeling is not being alone physically, but being with so many people surrounding you, yet still feeling so lonely, isolated, detached, alone...

That feeling of hollowness inside and no matter what you do and how many people you gather around you, the feeling just go deeper that you can feel it making a hole in the pit of your stomach.

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It is especially worst when you look at the wedding/engagement pictures of your closest friends, when you see your friend going somewhere with their partners and having so much fun, when you are in a room with your friend who is on the phone with their significant other, when you called your friends up to meet but they are busy with other plans and every other person you can think of to call and have a chat with, already have someone else that they cherish... The hole just keeps on getting bigger that you feel like if you don't huddle and curl, you are going to be swallowed full by the hole. 

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Yep, that feeling comes and visit me once in a while when I have idle time. I have kept myself busy enough not to think of it too much. But with strings of wedding invitations coming from friends my age, and pictures of their cute children and their holiday with their significant other, how the heck am I going to be able not to think about it??

The worst part is that my dad has started pressuring me to get married. He was saying something like giving me another year and if I don't have anyone, he'll get one of my uncle to find one for me. And also saying "yes" to the first person that ask for my hand. I mean "seriously dad???"

I want to say "I'm not ready!"
I want to say "I want to focus on my career!"
I want to say "I don't have time to think about that!"

And other cock-bull-shit I can come out with.

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But the truth is just that I am a foreveralone girl. 
I don't have a boyfriend, not even a crush or a love interest right now.
Heck, I don't think anyone have set an eye on me at all and actually, vice-versa too.

What is it that I am looking for? 
What the hell is wrong with me? (Well, other than the obvious fact)

It's not like I have never had people interested in me. But somehow, I always manage to not be anything at all with them. Oh yes, I flirted and had flings aplenty, but none was ever serious. None was ever leading to anything.

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And I had god knows how many one sided crushes. None of the guys that I had ever taken fancy on had any fancy at all for me. I have no idea how many times I had been friend-zoned by these guys. But I guess, I learned to live with it shortly after. except for that one time. 

I had a humongous one-sided crush on someone who doesn't like me back - for 4 freaking years!! He stringed me along with no definite answer all those time. Deep down, I must've known he doesn't feel a thing for me, but I kept waiting anyway. And it took me another 3 years to completely get him out of my system which one whole year of it consisting of totally severing contact or connection with him. I lost not only my love, but also my best friend. Now, he is too much out of my system that I don't feel anything at all when it comes to him. Just plain politeness is all. I guess, no matter how much I try, I would never get that best friend I used to have again and the thing is, I never really tried.

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And it's not that there were never any advances made by guys for me. But none of them caught my interest, and some is just too plain creepy. Don't get me wrong, I did try to open up and try to get to know them. But that's just the problem. After getting to know them, I didn't and couldn't like them. Even-though I try to give them chances, I would always stop myself due to the bad taste of having to pretend. And it just would not be fair for both of us. Until that one guy, I decided to take a leap of faith on despite him being somewhere I can't possibly reach (overseas).

I used to have this sort-of a boyfriend. Well, that's what he said I can call him - my boyfriend. He expresses interest, and said "love" so many times I have lost count. Asking me to trust him, and that he would NEVER change his mind. Telling me that he would always love me. But he too disappeared on me. "Kapish" just like that. at first a month of no news, there were apologies and promises that it would not happen again, but then it goes to a couple of month, and again, and now, it has been half a year with no news, no calls, not even a text, or fb msg. NOTHING. Heck, we never even officially broke up. He just, well, disappeared, like he never existed - I guess, he never did. A guy so perfectly and seemingly compliments me (in terms of thoughts and ideals) someone who is blessed with good looks and good background, with a mind that I can respect and who just so happens totally adores me. I guess he can just be a result from my over-reactive imagination.

So I was left with an empty shell hanging from an invisible thread. The best part of it (or the worst) is that I'm actually looking at that shell hanging from my ceiling everyday, from the outside but feeling the hollowness of it inside me.

Source

Like I said, I  don't have a boyfriend, not even a crush or a love interest right now.
Heck, I don't think anyone have set an eye on me at all and actually, vice-versa too.

Maybe, taking up on my dad's offer is not such a bad idea after all.
.
.
.
.
.
.



HECK NO!!

lol~ seriously, even if it kills me, I will not be so desperate for men.
Sure, it would be nice to have a significant other, but I have no plan of losing myself while looking for it. And I am quite sure I am doing well enough fending for my self.

And to my I-have-no-idea-if-you-are-still-my-boyfriend-or-not. I am declaring myself single and available now. If you read this and find that you still "love" me, well buddy, you would have a lot of work to do to try and win me back. (Aw shucks. I sound so vindictive. lols. Don't really care) Cause I promised myself this:

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And I'm planning to totally fulfill that promise. and oh yeah,

Seriously, I will. Try me.

Sincerely,
Bratty even when I'm eighty,

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When the Brat Meets Three Most Random Guys on Blogosphere~

Okay, that didn't really happen. lol. I just thought I should share this awesome little cartoon made by Aki Borneo. The faces are all Ernest's drawing but the rest is Aki's.

Lovey Dovey Tuesday: Should I Smile Coz U're My Friend or Should I Cry Coz That's All You Are?

A place where I once had been. A place where I would NEVER wish for anyone to be in. A place so dark I wish it didn't exist. But then again, unrequited love always is~

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Lovey Dovey Tuesday: BF/GF, Did I lost a best friend?

"We all have that one guy best friend that we lose because he gets a girlfriend." - The Notebook of Love

Now, this is a dilemma that many people encountered. Although I quoted "guy friend gets gf", but really, I think it is also the same for the opposite sex. Only, I believe, this is mostly true for girls.

A girl, is generally (but not all) more sensitive, more attached to feelings than guys do. When a girl declared someone as their best friend, may it be a girl or a guy, they see them as the people that is most important to them, sometimes more than their family. Rarely (I'm not saying that it does not happen) a girl changes when they got a bf/husband. They'd still see you as their best friend, and they'd still allocate some time to spend with you, despite being busy with other things (including their partner), even though it might not be as much as it used to be.

Many a times I heard my guy friends complain about their GF being too friendly with a guy who is supposedly her best friend. They would argue things like

"Why does she have to go out/meet with him?"

"Dia asyik back up mamat tu je!"

"She listens to him too much!"

"If you have a bf, would you still be flirt-texting with another guy?"

My answer each and everytime is the same,

"That's actually quite normal"

I know, I know, it sound ridiculous and perhaps ludicrous to guys, but it's the truth. Especially if she had been friends with the guy long before she know you. I know you feel suspicious, jealous and perhaps angry, But

calm down,

Take a deep breathe,

and think. 

IF she's in love with her best friend, don't u think she would've ended up with him instead of you? "Maybe she didn't realize it?" IF she didn't realize it, after so much complaining and hassle coming from you, don't u think she would've realize it IF she loved him? IF she already realize it, then why is she still with you? OR, would you rather she's NOT with you, and with him instead?

Friendships are dynamic. It MAY and MAY NOT change. source

There's a saying, "guys and girls can never be just friends". I don't agree that it applies to all. It's amazing, - the power of mind is. If you set to think something as that, it will be, just that. If she thinks and focus on the guy as merely a friend, no matter how much she likes, adores, and love him, she would NEVER fall in love with him, and they will always be, FRIENDS. (so basically what I meant is, he has been friendzoned! <--- here I googled the word 4 you.) For her, there are no other option, except to think that. So don't you go and disturb that focus with your doubts and jealousy and made her realize, she has an option to NOT keep focusing as being friends.

And even if she IS or HAD BEEN  in love with him, just remember, SHE CHOOSE YOU! And if the fact that her being with you is NOT ENOUGH, then maybe, you're the one who's NOT in love. 

"So can women and men be friends? Of course they can. But there is a silent understanding that some friendships are meant to be nothing more, and as with all relationships, there are certain rules that need to be followed. " - Jezebel.com

But for guys, a different scenario can be seen.

Once they got a gf, most all of their time are kept occupied by their gf or their male-buddies. Most of them do not keep in contact with their girl friends anymore - not as much as they used to. Some, might even go to the extreme by severing their contact with other girl-friends all together. Now you can see why these guys gets restless when their gf don't do the same with their guy-friends. This is actually the excuse my guy friends gave for them being jealous/restless.

And when it is being pointed out, some of the gf might answer, "I didn't ASK you to do so!" If she answer you like that, then PLEASE don't jump into conclusion, she's not saying she don't love you and that you are not enough. And she's not saying she DON'T appreciate that, she's just making a point that it's ok to have friends. She's saying, she knows that best friends are important, and since she value hers, she would understand if you'd value yours, and so she wont ask you to severe all connection completely.

"Some 83 percent of the people surveyed think that cross-gender friendships can and do exist, according to a 2001 Match.com poll of more than 1,500 members. And a 2006 study by Canada's Public Health Agency of nearly 10,000 Canadian children shows that they often start early, with 65 percent of boys and 60 percent of girls declaring three or more close opposite-sex friends by grade 10." - CNN

Truth is, from the general gf's point of view, when a guy do this, it is fantastic, and sweet, and reassuring. But seeing it from the friend's point of view, it SUCKS BIG TIME. 

Like I said, girls don't tend to severe connection with friends, especially best friends. So when their guy-best friend gets a girlfriend, they dread that it would be goodbye. And even if they don't show it, or complain about it, believe me, it hurts. Even when a girl-best friend gets a bf, a girl will feel lonely and sad, like their bestfriend had been stolen by the bf. So it's basically the same with guy-bestfriends, perhaps worst - because with guy-best friend, you lose them completely.

I dunno about other girls, but for me, I'd scold my bf if he does that. I'd rather become his best-friend's best-friend. That way, we could even spend time and hang-out together, and it won't be awkward. Like wise with my guy-best friends. I'll ask them to intro their gf to me so I can assure her I'm no competition, and that I can actually be off help to her in the future (which usually is the case), and perhaps join hand in hand with her to make his life a weee-bit more happily miserable. Of course, I'll intro my best friend to my bf as well, and force them to be buddies. Or at least, to make my bf see that my best friend is someone he can trust.

Even experts agrees! - Check out the TIPS here.

I would like to call all girls and guys to TRY and be friends with your partner's opposite sex best-friend. Jangan la sombong sangat. Some girls/guys just LOVE to make it difficult for their partner by being ABSOLUTE ass. I mean, would it hurt to actually be friendly a bit and TRY to get to know the other person first? I know, it's natural to feel a bit of hostility towards them, but do try your best to keep it in you. Hold off your judgement for that person until you actually get to know them, ok?

And for the best-friends, don't hog your friends to yourself! Be understanding. You would feel the same if you are in their shoes. You too don't just assume the other is not good for your friend and keep trying to convince them that it is true. Trust your friend's instinct a bit and go and get to know their partners. You might be surprise at what common grounds you can walk on - at least you already know that your best friend is one of it. And remember, even if you don't approve of the bf/gf, DO NOT try to poison your friend - especially if they're happy. You DON'T KNOW what is happening between them, and you have NO RIGHT to meddle in. Just be there as a friend that you are and support them, and when they cry, just be the shoulder to cry on, and the ear to listen, then make them smile again :)

So how to balance your friend and lover? Here's some tips from CNN:

Source

Phew~ what a long post.. So, tell me, what's your take on this?

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