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Monday, November 23, 2009

A first time for...

There's always a first time for everything... Today is just one of those days for me...

I've been described as many things by my friends and family... Hyper, Happy, loves to laugh, hot tempered, brutal, naughty, hard-headed and many more... even those to the most absurd description (for me that is) such as shy and polite (as in lemah lembut). But today, was the first day someone told me that when they look at me and read my eyes, he sees that I'm actually a very sad person.

Am I sad? I never thought of myself as a sad person. I feel that I'm basically highly contented. My studies are doing great, I had great friends, and my relation with my family is all good. Sure, I have my 'down' times, but hey, doesn't everyone?

"What's a big deal about ONE person's opinion anyway?"... You might be thinking this. It isn't... Well usually, it isn't a big deal... It doesn't matter much to me about what people think of me, I am who I am... But what he said keeps on bugging me because partially, I think he's right. If you ask me, what am I unhappy about, I can't answer you. I don't know what's bothering me, but I feel it. I feel myself being dragged down by an invisible weight, and the fact that I can't recognize what it is, is probably the cause for me staying up so late in the night writing this blog like this.

So, I asked him, "Why do you say that?" He says I have a deep watery eyes... It's like I'm pretending to be happy. Even when I smile, it's not 100% genuine smile, and my eyes betray me... The only defense I could come up with is that, I cry easily when I sympathize, I empathize, or simply when I watch movie although never in front of people. So my watery eyes could be because I'm emotional. And my smile, My dad always complains that my smile and laugh looks fake. - Even to me, that sounds weak.

And he says "Do you lie to yourself about your feelings?"

I was smiling to myself and thinking to myself, "I like this guy. He knows..."

He knows what it is like to lie to yourself and end up believing your lies. At first, it might start off as a lie but gradually, we'll become what we think and the lies, won't be lies anymore. I guess, everyone does that. It is somekind of human mechanism to save themselves from crumbling to bits. It's what hold them together as a person. The only difference is weather they realize it or not.

And I like him even more when he answered my next question the way he did. I asked, "Tell me, do you think I'm shy?"

He says, "You seem shy but you try to be loud"

He really does know. LOL.. usually when I asked my friends if they think I'm shy, they would immediately answer, "Not at all". To this one person who can see this in me, I thank him very much. The reason why I get frustrated to those people who just won't come to the front with the excuse of being 'shy' is exactly this. They think it's a given thing that I should be in front since I am not shy. When the reality is, I too had to fight off my shy-ness. They have NO idea how much effort and lying to myself I need to put in order for me to appear 'not shy'. Feeling of 'shy' is in-fact just another state of mind. All you have to do is condition your mind not to feel it.

But still, it's up to the individuals. If they don't feel like pushing themselves to their limit, then no one can. If they feel contented to forever stay 'shy' then by all means, go on... But don't complain when people don't pay attention to you, don't whine when people don't care about your opinion, don't envy others who has the guts to step to the front and talk bad about them from behind. You are what you choose to be - that's it.

For all my acting my whole life, I could have won an Oscar - really. But I have no qualms on who I am today, and I will try to learn and become a better person in the future. One day while I was browsing the net, some years ago I came across this picture,

Am I crying? Why am I crying? - it said. Ever since I laid my eyes on it till this date, this is my favorite picture. I guess, it accurately describe what I'm feeling right now...

To Sunil, if by chance you're reading this. I thank you very much. You allowed me this chance to take a step back and look at myself. I am glad that I was given a chance to meet and know you. Of course, that goes without saying, to the other hotel team guys as well...

Sunil & Me

Like always, Just ramblings of a brat with opinions - Nana Eddy

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