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Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Lovey Dovey Tuesday: Foreveralone Post

I always taught that the "foreveralone" term is overrated. 

I mean, no one is truly, really forveralone right?
You have your family, your friends, your collegue or perhaps your neighbor, so you are not really alone.

Technically, you're not.

For me, the most terrible foreveralone feeling is not being alone physically, but being with so many people surrounding you, yet still feeling so lonely, isolated, detached, alone...

That feeling of hollowness inside and no matter what you do and how many people you gather around you, the feeling just go deeper that you can feel it making a hole in the pit of your stomach.

It is especially worst when you look at the wedding/engagement pictures of your closest friends, when you see your friend going somewhere with their partners and having so much fun, when you are in a room with your friend who is on the phone with their significant other, when you called your friends up to meet but they are busy with other plans and every other person you can think of to call and have a chat with, already have someone else that they cherish... The hole just keeps on getting bigger that you feel like if you don't huddle and curl, you are going to be swallowed full by the hole. 

Yep, that feeling comes and visit me once in a while when I have idle time. I have kept myself busy enough not to think of it too much. But with strings of wedding invitations coming from friends my age, and pictures of their cute children and their holiday with their significant other, how the heck am I going to be able not to think about it??

The worst part is that my dad has started pressuring me to get married. He was saying something like giving me another year and if I don't have anyone, he'll get one of my uncle to find one for me. And also saying "yes" to the first person that ask for my hand. I mean "seriously dad???"

I want to say "I'm not ready!"
I want to say "I want to focus on my career!"
I want to say "I don't have time to think about that!"

And other cock-bull-shit I can come out with.

But the truth is just that I am a foreveralone girl. 
I don't have a boyfriend, not even a crush or a love interest right now.
Heck, I don't think anyone have set an eye on me at all and actually, vice-versa too.

What is it that I am looking for? 
What the hell is wrong with me? (Well, other than the obvious fact)

It's not like I have never had people interested in me. But somehow, I always manage to not be anything at all with them. Oh yes, I flirted and had flings aplenty, but none was ever serious. None was ever leading to anything.

And I had god knows how many one sided crushes. None of the guys that I had ever taken fancy on had any fancy at all for me. I have no idea how many times I had been friend-zoned by these guys. But I guess, I learned to live with it shortly after. except for that one time. 

I had a humongous one-sided crush on someone who doesn't like me back - for 4 freaking years!! He stringed me along with no definite answer all those time. Deep down, I must've known he doesn't feel a thing for me, but I kept waiting anyway. And it took me another 3 years to completely get him out of my system which one whole year of it consisting of totally severing contact or connection with him. I lost not only my love, but also my best friend. Now, he is too much out of my system that I don't feel anything at all when it comes to him. Just plain politeness is all. I guess, no matter how much I try, I would never get that best friend I used to have again and the thing is, I never really tried.


And it's not that there were never any advances made by guys for me. But none of them caught my interest, and some is just too plain creepy. Don't get me wrong, I did try to open up and try to get to know them. But that's just the problem. After getting to know them, I didn't and couldn't like them. Even-though I try to give them chances, I would always stop myself due to the bad taste of having to pretend. And it just would not be fair for both of us. Until that one guy, I decided to take a leap of faith on despite him being somewhere I can't possibly reach (overseas).

I used to have this sort-of a boyfriend. Well, that's what he said I can call him - my boyfriend. He expresses interest, and said "love" so many times I have lost count. Asking me to trust him, and that he would NEVER change his mind. Telling me that he would always love me. But he too disappeared on me. "Kapish" just like that. at first a month of no news, there were apologies and promises that it would not happen again, but then it goes to a couple of month, and again, and now, it has been half a year with no news, no calls, not even a text, or fb msg. NOTHING. Heck, we never even officially broke up. He just, well, disappeared, like he never existed - I guess, he never did. A guy so perfectly and seemingly compliments me (in terms of thoughts and ideals) someone who is blessed with good looks and good background, with a mind that I can respect and who just so happens totally adores me. I guess he can just be a result from my over-reactive imagination.

So I was left with an empty shell hanging from an invisible thread. The best part of it (or the worst) is that I'm actually looking at that shell hanging from my ceiling everyday, from the outside but feeling the hollowness of it inside me.

Like I said, I  don't have a boyfriend, not even a crush or a love interest right now.
Heck, I don't think anyone have set an eye on me at all and actually, vice-versa too.

Maybe, taking up on my dad's offer is not such a bad idea after all.


lol~ seriously, even if it kills me, I will not be so desperate for men.
Sure, it would be nice to have a significant other, but I have no plan of losing myself while looking for it. And I am quite sure I am doing well enough fending for my self.

And to my I-have-no-idea-if-you-are-still-my-boyfriend-or-not. I am declaring myself single and available now. If you read this and find that you still "love" me, well buddy, you would have a lot of work to do to try and win me back. (Aw shucks. I sound so vindictive. lols. Don't really care) Cause I promised myself this:

And I'm planning to totally fulfill that promise. and oh yeah,

Seriously, I will. Try me.

Bratty even when I'm eighty,


1 comment:

  1. T.T I feel you girl. Sometimes when I'm with a crowd of people, I still feel lonely cos I can't connect with them. They have their own gangs sigh~



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