Have you ever been in a situation, where you thought that you are over that particular something, but then *WHAMM!!* reality decides to slap you in the face and kick you right in the guts with the truth and says "Guess what? You're not over it yet!"
That's exactly what happen to me today. And guess what, it was a "double whammy" (according to MTV World Stage radio ads) for me.
First, I thought I was over that person years ago. I actually manage to make myself believe that lie - that I felt nothing but friendship. But when he brought that girl along with him the first time, I heard my heart broke. I felt my face flush with not only red but rainbow colors. The second time he brought along the girl on our less-than-frequent meeting I wept so bitterly inside my heart. It was a wonder that he couldn't and didn't read that on my face.
I hated him - or at least I wanted to.
But the truth is, the person I hate is myself. I hated myself for being unable to let go, I hated myself for pitying myself too much. And most of all, I hated myself for hating me. I should deserve to be treated better, I should deserve to be loved as much as I loved him. I should deserve to love myself more than this. I might be a bit foolish sometimes, but I am not stupid. So why do I let myself drown in self pity? Why do I let myself feel like this? Why do I allow my feelings to be trampled upon, stepped upon and kicked to the side like this?
So I decided to end it all and start anew. I decided to meet him for the very last time and say goodbye properly - which did not happen because, when we met, again he brought the girl. So I ended it all with just a heart-breaking phone call - at least on my part, it was.
And now it has been a year since then. I had never contacted him and I told him not to contact me unless I do. I told him if we meet, I will not acknowledge him, if he text, I won't reply. And if he calls me, I will not pick up, and if I can't stop myself from picking up or replying his message, I'll change my number. But, I did not severe all connections because to me, despite everything else, he was a good friend.
And so, I have kept the souvenir he gave me for approximately five years, and today, I accidentally broke it.
I thought I should be completely over him by now. I thought my heart has completely healed now. I was very sure that nothing about him would hurt me anymore.
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
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